Critical Self-Chatter and How to Manage It
Negative self-talk is biological. It’s part of the human experience. That critical voice inside your head is actually healthy. It generates the initial anxiety within us to activate our stress response to help us take quick action and adapt in critical situations. The problem is when we allow that critical voice to chime in for too long, prolonging the anxiety we feel and allowing those thoughts to hold us back. The good news is that there are things we can do about it. Start by trying methods you’ll find here and see what works for you.
I’ve written before on negative self-talk because it comes up quite often for my clients. That’s because we all do it. Ethan Kross writes about this in Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It, and his work (some of which I’ve included here with my own thinking) introduced me to some new ideas on this topic.
Negative self-talk is biological and instinctual. And like many things, it can be healthy and unhealthy. For instance, some negative chatter can be valuable because it can generate the initial anxiety or impetus to prompt our stress response, which helps us take action and adapt in critical situations. It can help us plan, take charge, control ourselves, and find quick solutions.
What happens, though, is that this negative self-chatter (and its accompanying stress response) can go on for too long, in ways that are damaging. In other words, we can get stuck in the anxiety that negative self-thoughts induce.
This can deeply affect our work performance and our relationships with others. After all, the brain only has a certain amount of power available to be in the present moment.
For example, if we need to be engaged with work, but are distracted by ongoing self-critical thoughts, not much work is being accomplished. Do you experience this? What can happen next is that the negative thoughts can then grow and become reinforced in our minds with the perceived failure of not being as productive, causing even more anxiety. Negative self-talk is vicious!
Likewise, with relationships, if negative chatter occupies too much of one’s attention and energy, it can make it challenging to be a good listener. And, relationships can be sabotaged by a person monopolizing others’ time by talking too much about his or her own problems.
These results are entirely understandable given what’s (literally) occupying our minds. And while it’s not entirely avoidable, it is manageable.
So, what can we do? There are a lot of tools that help and it’s all about finding ones that work for you. Below are some ideas to get you started using an example of a personal struggle of mine with accounting-related tasks. This has generated a fair share of negative chatter for me. (Believe me, I have far heavier personal examples of negative self-chatter, but those will have to wait for future posts.)
Coach yourself and use your name in third person as you do it. It’s easy to coach and support friends, but it’s hard to coach ourselves. This is why it’s important to use your name when doing so. I know this sounds corny—it certainly did to me at first. But, it works! For example, I might say to myself, “Come on, Judy. You’ve got this. It may take several hours to prepare that spreadsheet, but there is a lot of value to gain and it’s worth it! You’ll feel amazing once it’s done.” Remember: Language is powerful and can be constructive or destructive depending on how we use it!
Do something atypical when you find yourself engaged in negative self-chatter. Often times there is a sense of confusion and clutter in our minds when we are at the mercy of our negative self-thoughts which can prevent us from moving forward with work. Find other ways in those moments to regain control. For example, organize your desk or your office. Or, make a list of action items you plan to focus on immediately to cut the clutter and reengage with your work. Just make sure that whatever you do is a jumpstart to get back to your work in the moment, and not a distraction to avoid doing what needs to be done. That’s procrastination and a topic for another day!
Reframe your negative self-thoughts. Use those negative thoughts for you and not against you. As mentioned previously, negative thoughts about yourself allow you to mobilize and take quick action in critical situations. But, it’s important to then reframe them so that they don’t linger and become larger recurring problems that hold you back. Here’s one process to do that:
Look at the negative thought. What exactly are you telling yourself? Look for the actual truth and the actual facts and use them to challenge your negative thoughts. For example, I sometimes say to myself that I’m terrible with accounting and that I’m lame because I can’t learn to embrace accounting tasks. If I look at this, am I really “terrible” with accounting? No, I get to the right answers, it just takes me some time to get there. Am I “lame” because I can’t learn to enjoy accounting? No, we all have things we like and don’t like. I happen to not like working with numbers. Period.
Pinpoint what you are feeling when thinking those thoughts. Like most people, I feel frustrated with myself and anxious, almost resentful, about spending a lot of time on things I dislike. Monitor your emotions so you can identify your pressure points and embrace strategies that are well-suited to your individual triggers.
How do you want to feel instead? I, personally, want to feel capable and motivated to get through the project. Notice that I don’t want to learn to enjoy finance tasks—that may be unrealistic for now. Just feeling capable and motivated seems like a reasonable step in the right direction.
What would you like to think about yourself instead? This is where you can again throw in some of the self-coaching referenced above. Remember to talk to yourself as you would a friend (in third-person), and use true, factual statements that are constructive instead of destructive. How about, “Judy, you don’t like to create and analyze spreadsheets, but you’ve done it before and can do it now. The work product is important and offers a lot of value. You’ll feel amazing when it’s done and can then reward yourself with a [insert your reward of choice, mine might be a nice glass of wine] afterward.” As I said before, this sounds cheesy, I know. But it works! Again, there is power in positive (and true) words as much as there is in negative.
Find an anchor to help you tap into tools that work for you. Finally, think through an anchor you can use to bring you back to this process, or any process that works for you, the next time you find yourself thinking defeatist thoughts. An anchor might be a keyword posted on your computer or whiteboard, or it may be a daily reminder as part of your morning or evening routine, etc. The more often you remind yourself of what to do when you are experiencing critical thoughts about yourself (and the more you do it), the faster it will become an automatic habit!
The bottom line is to try different approaches to combat the prolonged negative thoughts you have about yourself. They aren’t serving you, so find productive ways to let them go and move on.
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Are you interested in diving in more deeply on this? Schedule a complimentary call with me to explore whether these techniques or other aspects of my coaching practice can help you improve your mindset and bring you more happiness in work and life.
Are Negative Thoughts Holding You Back?
We all have them and sometimes they are the self-critical variety that bring us down over time and prevent us from going after what we really want. What’s worse is that these thoughts have become habitual. We’ve thought them so much, they have become hard-wired in our brains and are automatic. The good news is that we can change them!
Why We’re Self-Critical and What to do About It
Experts report we have somewhere between 50,000 and 80,000 thoughts per day. The thoughts we have come from our experiences and the influences of those around us. Our thoughts play a profound role in our lives. They form the basis of our beliefs over time and they lead to the emotions we feel, the responses and actions we take or don't take and, ultimately, to the outcome and realities of our lives. They are the source of stress or the source of joy, and everything in between.
For example, as a relatively minor experience, do you share my habit of thinking worrying thoughts the few minutes before heading out the door to go on vacation?
Do I have everything?
What about that hat I bought?
Is the house secure?
Will my plants survive?
Did I remember my kid’s toothbrush?
What about his passport?
Or, more importantly, did I remember my kid?
I don't know about you, but these thoughts make me feel anxious, rushed, worried, harried, and cranky. Then, cue the resulting relationship arguments because I’m anxious, rushed, worried, harried, and cranky. It's not the way I want to start my family vacation!
In that same example, what might happen if we consciously include positive, joyful thoughts of what lies ahead, the sights, the beaches, the food, photos, and happy memories to be created? We might also be thinking about the passport and the toothbrush, but there is real joy that comes from these sweet thoughts of anticipation that will take the edge off and help create a more peaceful and happy beginning of a beautiful vacation to come.
The point is that many of our thoughts happen automatically, meaning we have had the same thoughts so frequently in the past that they pop back up with no effort when familiar circumstances arise. Many of them go all the way back to childhood. In fact, quite often we are not even conscious of the thought pattern that causes us to respond in the ways we do. This is how our brains operate. In order to direct all that it does within our bodies, the human mind strives for efficiency. The thoughts we think over time become "hard-wired" in our brains so that they are automatic and often times, not conscious. This efficiency allows the brain the energy to perform complex operations. Makes sense, right?
What happens, though, is that many of our ingrained mental thoughts are negative and many of those negative thoughts are directed at ourselves in the form of self-criticism. We are critical, judgmental, and especially harsh when it comes to evaluating who we are as individuals. Most of us judge ourselves mercilessly, drawing severe comparisons with others and worrying about what people think of us, and as mentioned, we often don't even realize we're doing it. This pattern of thought is believed by some to stem from our biological need for community and belonging. The theory is that this primal need to belong is as strong as our need for food and shelter and was essential to survival for early humans. In other words, judging ourselves critically allowed us to conform and to fit in with our clan ensuring a stronger chance of survival (i.e., safety in numbers).
Today, we still consciously and subconsciously critique ourselves out of that strong biological need to measure up and fit in. These thoughts may have served the better good early on for the human race, but in our lives now, such thoughts are destructive and make it difficult to have what we want in life.
What's more, these critical thoughts, nearly every single one of them, aren’t even true. They aren’t facts. How many times have you internally labeled yourself “dumb” or “stupid” when you did something wrong that didn’t have a good outcome? Over time, these thoughts become conscious or subconscious beliefs, as previously mentioned, and can be categorized into what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.” These are patterns of stories or narratives we develop about ourselves, others, or situations that promote and cement the (usually) negative, untrue thoughts we carry.
These self-critical, harsh thoughts influence how we show up in life and, in many instances, the outcomes we experience. Yes, we are often the primary source of our own unhappiness and stress. Negative self-talk doesn’t mean that we aren’t successful, productive and happy at times. It does mean that, depending on what we’re telling ourselves and how often, it can be a lot harder to take the actions needed to achieve the things we want in life and to feel satisfied and happy.
To summarize, we know that our thoughts are often beliefs and that they are largely automatic when responding to situations in life. We also know that the majority of our thoughts are negative and that many of those negative thoughts are directed at ourselves in the form of self-criticism, perhaps from a biological, primal need. Today, this can and does adversely effect how we move through life and the outcomes we experience. It's absolutely daunting! But, the good news is that we have a choice. We can change these automatic thought patterns. Just as the brain latches on to negative thoughts over time, it can and will adopt positive thoughts, if we put in the time and effort to make it happen.
The first step is to become aware of what you’re thinking. With awareness, you can then take the next steps toward developing fact-based powerful thoughts that will eventually turn into habits and beliefs leading to better responses and results in life. To do this, begin by asking yourself questions to uncover:
the truth and the facts in your thoughts
the situation leading up to those thoughts and the resulting emotions you felt
how you want to feel in the future
a true, empowering thought statement that supports that feeling
a process or method to anchor this statement for yourself so that it surfaces easily the next time a similar situation arises
This work involves practice. Develop a practice around this for several weeks and assess your progress at that point. To form habits, the brain needs 3 things: effort, repetition, and time. Enjoy the journey!
And, if you're interested in a deeper dive on reframing the self-critical thoughts that may be holding you back in your career, schedule a call with me today. Learn how coaching can help you adopt a healthy approach to stress and find the career happiness, focus, and passion you want and deserve.
Additional reading:
Why Social Connection is a Matter of Survival
UCLA Neuroscientist's Book Explains Why Social Connection Is As Important As Food and Shelter