Are Negative Thoughts Holding You Back?
Why We’re Self-Critical and What to do About It
Experts report we have somewhere between 50,000 and 80,000 thoughts per day. The thoughts we have come from our experiences and the influences of those around us. Our thoughts play a profound role in our lives. They form the basis of our beliefs over time and they lead to the emotions we feel, the responses and actions we take or don't take and, ultimately, to the outcome and realities of our lives. They are the source of stress or the source of joy, and everything in between.
For example, as a relatively minor experience, do you share my habit of thinking worrying thoughts the few minutes before heading out the door to go on vacation?
Do I have everything?
What about that hat I bought?
Is the house secure?
Will my plants survive?
Did I remember my kid’s toothbrush?
What about his passport?
Or, more importantly, did I remember my kid?
I don't know about you, but these thoughts make me feel anxious, rushed, worried, harried, and cranky. Then, cue the resulting relationship arguments because I’m anxious, rushed, worried, harried, and cranky. It's not the way I want to start my family vacation!
In that same example, what might happen if we consciously include positive, joyful thoughts of what lies ahead, the sights, the beaches, the food, photos, and happy memories to be created? We might also be thinking about the passport and the toothbrush, but there is real joy that comes from these sweet thoughts of anticipation that will take the edge off and help create a more peaceful and happy beginning of a beautiful vacation to come.
The point is that many of our thoughts happen automatically, meaning we have had the same thoughts so frequently in the past that they pop back up with no effort when familiar circumstances arise. Many of them go all the way back to childhood. In fact, quite often we are not even conscious of the thought pattern that causes us to respond in the ways we do. This is how our brains operate. In order to direct all that it does within our bodies, the human mind strives for efficiency. The thoughts we think over time become "hard-wired" in our brains so that they are automatic and often times, not conscious. This efficiency allows the brain the energy to perform complex operations. Makes sense, right?
What happens, though, is that many of our ingrained mental thoughts are negative and many of those negative thoughts are directed at ourselves in the form of self-criticism. We are critical, judgmental, and especially harsh when it comes to evaluating who we are as individuals. Most of us judge ourselves mercilessly, drawing severe comparisons with others and worrying about what people think of us, and as mentioned, we often don't even realize we're doing it. This pattern of thought is believed by some to stem from our biological need for community and belonging. The theory is that this primal need to belong is as strong as our need for food and shelter and was essential to survival for early humans. In other words, judging ourselves critically allowed us to conform and to fit in with our clan ensuring a stronger chance of survival (i.e., safety in numbers).
Today, we still consciously and subconsciously critique ourselves out of that strong biological need to measure up and fit in. These thoughts may have served the better good early on for the human race, but in our lives now, such thoughts are destructive and make it difficult to have what we want in life.
What's more, these critical thoughts, nearly every single one of them, aren’t even true. They aren’t facts. How many times have you internally labeled yourself “dumb” or “stupid” when you did something wrong that didn’t have a good outcome? Over time, these thoughts become conscious or subconscious beliefs, as previously mentioned, and can be categorized into what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.” These are patterns of stories or narratives we develop about ourselves, others, or situations that promote and cement the (usually) negative, untrue thoughts we carry.
These self-critical, harsh thoughts influence how we show up in life and, in many instances, the outcomes we experience. Yes, we are often the primary source of our own unhappiness and stress. Negative self-talk doesn’t mean that we aren’t successful, productive and happy at times. It does mean that, depending on what we’re telling ourselves and how often, it can be a lot harder to take the actions needed to achieve the things we want in life and to feel satisfied and happy.
To summarize, we know that our thoughts are often beliefs and that they are largely automatic when responding to situations in life. We also know that the majority of our thoughts are negative and that many of those negative thoughts are directed at ourselves in the form of self-criticism, perhaps from a biological, primal need. Today, this can and does adversely effect how we move through life and the outcomes we experience. It's absolutely daunting! But, the good news is that we have a choice. We can change these automatic thought patterns. Just as the brain latches on to negative thoughts over time, it can and will adopt positive thoughts, if we put in the time and effort to make it happen.
The first step is to become aware of what you’re thinking. With awareness, you can then take the next steps toward developing fact-based powerful thoughts that will eventually turn into habits and beliefs leading to better responses and results in life. To do this, begin by asking yourself questions to uncover:
the truth and the facts in your thoughts
the situation leading up to those thoughts and the resulting emotions you felt
how you want to feel in the future
a true, empowering thought statement that supports that feeling
a process or method to anchor this statement for yourself so that it surfaces easily the next time a similar situation arises
This work involves practice. Develop a practice around this for several weeks and assess your progress at that point. To form habits, the brain needs 3 things: effort, repetition, and time. Enjoy the journey!
And, if you're interested in a deeper dive on reframing the self-critical thoughts that may be holding you back in your career, schedule a call with me today. Learn how coaching can help you adopt a healthy approach to stress and find the career happiness, focus, and passion you want and deserve.
Additional reading:
Why Social Connection is a Matter of Survival
UCLA Neuroscientist's Book Explains Why Social Connection Is As Important As Food and Shelter
